parents to the end

by Linda Herman, LMHC

It had to come to this:

High school senior is unhappy with her parents. She moves out and lives with a friend’s family. She sues her parents to pay for her senior year at a Catholic high school and four years of college, saying they owe her a college education.

(See: Student’s lawsuit against parents for support loses first round in court)

Apparently in the first case of it’s kind, a young woman wants to force her mother and father to pay for her college education.  According to the CNN article referenced above, eighteen year-old Rachel Canning said, “My parents simply will not help me any longer…(They) should be required to provide for my support and education until I can stand on my own two feet. In order to do this, I had to take legal action.”

This case could not be more timely, as parents and their children tackle the issue of who pays and how to pay for post-high school education. Ms. Canning would appear to reflect the “entitlement” attitude about which I have written many times. My fantasy is that she led a middle to upper middle class lifestyle and was denied little. Consequently it makes perfect sense to her that her parents shelve out the cash for high school and college expenses, regardless of her behavior toward them.

She and her parents clashed over her boyfriend, her cutting classes and curfews. Things escalated at home to where she left. She says they made her leave. They say she ran away after refusing to abide by the family’s rules. She refuses to come home. (Many parents say to their children, “If you want to live here, you’ve got to follow our rules.” And many teens do interpret that as being forced to leave.)

Arguments have been presented in court on both sides. Sean and Elizabeth Canning, the parents, are “dumbfounded.”  Mrs. Canning says that they have always been their daughter’s “support team, cheering her on or defending her whenever she had a problem.” Ms. Canning, however, cites “verbal and emotional abuse” which the parents deny and which the local child protective services agency has ruled out.

According to court documents referenced by CNN, Ms. Canning stated that her parents stopped paying her high school tuition and “redirected” her college funds, a sign to her that they were refusing her an education.

In addition to her schooling, Ms. Canning wants her parents to pay for her legal expenses and room and board at the home where she has been staying. I can only imagine the intensity of emotions on both sides and an ever-increasing escalation of anger and hurt.

By going to court, the opportunity for reflection and resolution has been missed.  The damage to the parent/child relationship has been done. These people needed a good family therapist more than a team of lawyers. One side may win in court, but ultimately both sides in this family will lose.

by Linda Herman, LMHC

I love reading “Ask Amy”, the Chicago columnist who doles out insightful advice to her readers daily. Recently she ran some of her “best of” columns. One that caught my attention was a two-sentence letter from  “Broken Hearted”, who asked how to get her boyfriend back. He had just broken up with her.

Amy’s response: “…stop caring. Once you really stop caring, they have a way of coming back. By then, of course…you don’t care.”

Easier said than done, but she makes an excellent point. If we chase after someone, be it a lover, parent, grandchild or grown child, it throws the relationship off balance. The person who is too much the pursuer is at a disadvantage. Her “stock”, so to speak declines in value.  It is just in human nature for that to happen. The person doing too much or doing the chasing will be taken for granted.  

Backing off when you sense that your efforts are bearing no fruit is wise.  In the realm of our families this does not mean you truly stop caring. It may mean that you take a break to regain your own emotional equilibrium and perhaps your self-esteem.   It is often then that one sees movement from the other family member in your direction.

I recall a woman whose son was in prison.  She dutifully called him regularly when everyone else in the family had written him off.  She drove miles to visit him. Do you think he was grateful?  Sadly not. In fact, quite the opposite. He was nasty, harsh and critical toward her.  After the calls, she felt depressed and worthless. But she unconditionally loved him and thought that meant she should just “take” whatever he would say and just keep loving him.

I said, “When he starts talking disrespectfully to you, tell him you need him to stop or you will hang up.”  She wasn’t sure she could do this, but was willing to try. The next time they talked he resorted to his verbally abusive ways. She said, “please stop or I am going to hang up the phone.” He replied, “If you do that, I will never speak to you again.”  Summoning all her courage, she ended the phone call.

Panicking that she had just destroyed their relationship, she collapsed in a chair. Only minutes later, the phone rang. You can guess who was calling; her son. And not only that, his entire tone with her changed.  She had just discovered her own power and communicated her value to her son by setting some limits.

She stopped being the pursuer. He came back.

 by LInda Herman, LMHC

There are certain sayings that arise from each generation with regard to life and careers.  In the 60’s and 70’s the message to women, at least, was “you can have it all,” or “you can do it all.” Surely we baby boomers heard this, with many of us buying into it.  The result of trying to live this “truth” was  discovering another:  everything has its price. Our mothers were pretty much denied any messages to “go for it”, so we forged ahead, unaware of the unintended consequences that took the form of anxiety, stress, guilt and an increase in divorces.  Not that our striving itself caused the upheaval, but we, our spouses/partners and children were in uncharted territory as we rewrote how families lived. The result was some turmoil as people tried out new roles and “ways of being.”

As life in America changed and opportunities for many seemed boundless,  another phrase took hold: “follow your passions.” People coming out of college in the 1980’s, when jobs were plentiful and the economy was roaring, were able to take that bachelor’s degree in liberal arts (a well-rounded education) and land good jobs.  While parents had trepidations, there was enough confidence in the country and the growing economy to fuel young people’s dreams.   

The idea of following one’s passions fit well with self-improvement talk and theory, and with the notion that we were marching up Maslow’s hierarchy toward self-actualization.   We were the generation that could do it all and we gave that message to our children.

But, how things have changed!

Today’s America  will no longer support the idea of simply following your dreams. NYU professor Mary Quigley, in her blog at www.mothering21.com,  on 2/18/14, writes: “ ‘Follow  your passion’ might be one of the most perilous pieces of advice ever doled out to our children.”  She  lays out  convincing facts that paint a wizened and sobering picture. For example, she says that nearly two thirds of college graduates have jobs that don’t even require a college degree and under thirty percent have jobs that relate to their major at all.  Ms. Quigley references several authors who promote new  messages for the young college graduates:  Find paying work and develop your skills. This can lead to happiness, self-fulfillment, and a passion for what you do.   You need not forget about your dreams, but let them occupy your evenings and weekends.  Positioning yourself for a decent standard of living comes first.

Good advice to pass on to young adults embarking on their post-high school or college years.          For more from Mary Quigley, read her complete blog posting at Follow Your Passion at Your Peril |, Mothering21. com.

By Linda Herman, LMHC

 When it comes to love for our partners, families, children, and even friends, we all have expectations.  We may expect unconditional loyalty in our relationships, forever love, or even disappointment in the area of that magnificent emotion.   

The Beatles said, you will recall, “All you need is love.” Ah, were it that simple.  People sometimes do what they think is a loving thing, only to have that misread by the object of their affection.  How my clients sometimes long for a particular form of loving that their partners, adult children, or even friends  don’t deliver!  Sadly, disappointment ensues.

Considering the actual complexity of giving and receiving love, Valentine’s Day is a good day for reviewing Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages.  Dr. Chapman has published a Love Language series that began in 1992 with The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. That phenomenal book has led to others aimed at helping singles, parents of children, teens, and  adult children, and even those in the workplace.

So here they are. As you read them, think of the ways that you enjoy giving and receiving love.  You will find that you may enjoy several, but tend to have a favorite. Then consider your loved ones. What is their love language?   Perhaps you’ve been receiving love in a “language” that you have not recognized. Understanding what your family, partner or friends prefer will lead to better appreciation in your relationships.

• Words of Affirmation – The person who prefers this form of love is emotionally uplifted by compliments and kind words. These mean much more than material gifts. Nothing may inspire a woman more than to be the recipient of encouraging language from the special people in her life. Just as her spirits can be buoyed with supportive statements, they can as readily be dashed when spoken to harshly.
• Acts of Service− You may have a partner or spouse who is short on words, but doesn’t hesitate to see to it that you have fresh coffee or tea in the morning. He may  take extra time to see that your car always has a full tank of gas and is sparkling inside and out. This person enjoys giving love by doing. A woman who prefers receiving this kind of love may appreciate that bouquet of roses, but secretly wish that her husband joined her outside as she prepared her garden for spring planting.  
• Gifts – Some people enjoy giving or receiving gifts as their preferred expression of love. A woman who prefers this love language may put great thought into selecting presents for others. Similarly, she thrives when she receives a gift from a loved one. It is a physical symbol that tells her “He was thinking of me.” The size or material value of the gift may be irrelevant. She will admire her gift, knowing that her loved one took the time to choose it for her.  Because of the meaning gifts hold for her, being forgotten on special days can feel especially hurtful.
• Quality Time – We’ve heard a lot about quality time over the years and how important it is for our children. But we adults love it as well. A man who thrives on this kind of love wants his partner or spouse to really “be” with him.  It does not mean dinner out with his wife while she texts her friend. It means being available, making eye contact, and setting down the cell phone. A gift of time is a gift of yourself. Quality time happens when you listen without rushing to give advice, when you don’t interrupt, when you are truly in the present with your partner. Being so busy that you don’t set aside quality time will leave your loved one feeling neglected and unimportant.
• Physical Touch− Have you ever known someone from a touchy, hugging family who married into a family that was just the opposite? This can create challenges as well as opportunities.  This is not just about sex. People who most prefer physical touch as their way of receiving love may enjoy hugs, touches to their arm, face or shoulders. In intimate relationships they like hand-holding, caresses, sitting close together. This kind of loving takes little time, but sends powerful messages.  An absence or withdrawal of physical touch may be experienced as abandonment. 

More questions about love languages? Check out Gary Chapman’s website at http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/

There is nothing wrong with having great expectations about love, but you’ll fare better when these are tempered with understanding the languages you and your loved ones speak.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

by Linda Herman

I cannot not comment on the Seahawks celebrated homecoming and parade this week. But I hope to go beyond the bragging rights of someone living in the Seattle area.

From the day after Superbowl Sunday through last night, almost all of my clients wanted to talk about the Hawks, the game, the parade, the celebrations. Everyone’s spirits, including those of some of my most depressed clients, were buoyed. I have never seen such a mass of excitement and goodwill towards a team, or such a sense of pride in its accomplishments. Fans and non-sports fans alike were touched. It was a week of grace and goodwill here in western Washington.

The last time I witnessed such a unanimous outpouring of feeling here was on Sept. 11, 2001. Only that was an occasion of mass grief.

 There is something to be learned from both events, but I will focus today on this week in the Seattle area.

I like to look for meaning in everyday life situations, as these often carry powerful lessons. Here are some of my observations:

• People identified with their home team and took pride in the team’s achievements. No one was talking about the race of the team members or the race of the fans.
• Though not a serious follower of sports generally, I know that professional athletes are paid well. I never heard a word about the pay of the team members, nor the fact that their salaries dwarf those of their fans.  No one was begrudging them for their success. To the contrary, their success uplifted the fans. Friends and families had a reason to get together. People shared a common pride. Businesses in the local area flourished.
• Now, if only the politicians could take some notes here. If we look at our communities or nation as a family, how is it helpful to focus so much on our differences? Is our nation uplifted when one group is encouraged to think that they are always on the losing end of the culture because of their race, gender preference, country of origin, or income? Should those who are more successful feel bad about their success?
• I know what works and does not work in families. Pitting one person in a family against another is beyond divisive. It is damaging to the fabric of that family unit. Doing that on the national level is deplorable.
• A family’s emotional survival depends on finding enough commonality and goodwill to be the glue that gets its members through the difficult times.  Our nation’s emotional health is at stake right now. We need to be brought together, not driven apart. Our leaders have the capacity and responsibility to do this.  Sadly, I’m not seeing much move in a unifying direction.

The Seahawks brought unity to Seattle and the greater area this week. I saw the results and will savor them for a long time.

Politicians, are you listening?

by Linda Herman, LMHC

The Versatile Cotton Ball

We’ve had them in our bathrooms for years. Those little fluffs  of cotton used for removing nail polish, makeup, mildew from damp corners, or scents from your fridge.  Now they are being used to remove something else:  pounds. That’s right.

One of the latest diet trends with tweens and teens is to dip cotton balls into orange juice or lemonade and then chew and swallow up to five of them.  The dieter feels full, doesn’t consume many calories and voila, becomes or stays thin.

Where did this come from? Some say models have been eating cotton balls for years, but as do other trade secrets, this one leaked out. Perhaps we baby boomers are among the last to learn the latest in weight management. But all you have to do is go to YouTube for live demonstrations by young girls.

Thankfully, experts in eating disorders are on top of this, citing two main problems with this kind of weight loss program. For one thing, eating the “balls” is not like taking an appetite-suppressing medication.  The soaked balls are indigestible and can cause intestinal blockages that may lead to the need for surgery. Second, most of today’s cotton balls are not cotton at all. They are made from bleached polyester.  The individual on this diet is not getting nutrients. While feeling full, she could be on her road to malnutrition or even starving.

As long as there is the need to eat and cultures that value thinness,  weight-loss experimentation and obsession will go on. The cotton ball diet, say the experts, is not truly a diet, however. It qualifies as an eating disorder.

I took a look at statistics in the UK, (from the Health and Social Care Information Centre) as reported in the Daily Telegraph 1/29/14  www.telegraph.co.uk.

Here is some of what I found:

The number of admissions to hospitals for eating disorders is increasing annually.

The biggest increase in admissions to hospitals for eating disorders is in the 10 – 19 age group.

Of almost 1200 admissions for children 16 and under, 32 were ages five to nine; six were under the age of five.

Nine times as many girls as boys are admitted to the hospital for eating disorders, with the most common age being 15.

Here in the US, the National Eating Disorders Association,  ww.nationaleatingdisorders.org, has some of its own shocking statistics:

81% of 10 year olds are afraid of being fat.

42% of 1^st – 3^rd grade girls want to be thinner>

46% of 9-11 year-olds are “sometimes” or “very often “ on diets and 82% of their families are “sometimes” or “very often” on diets.

Since many baby boomers have the opportunity to be a positive influence in the lives of their grandchildren, knowing what they are exposed to can be helpful. Beyond that, reinforce healthy food and activity choices. As a grandparent you need not be the food police.  Those with weight problems know it, and may already be in food battles at home.  Take the opportunity to show your unconditional love and your wisdom.
(And If the cotton ball craze comes up in conversation,  be ready to calmly serve up the facts.)

Dear readers:

I have been honored to meet Kevin Beecher of Fontana, California. His wife, Lupe Hernandez, has graciously offered to translate my blogs into Spanish. Thus, I have created a Spanish version of Parents to the End.

Padres Hasta el Final is set up with only minor changes yet to be made. We have already posted one blog entry at the site: www.padreshastaelfinal.us.

I am looking forward to having my blogs available in Spanish. Please refer your Spanish-speaking friends or acquaintances to the new blog if you think they may enjoy it.

Thank you.

Linda

by Linda Herman, LMHC

Last Friday my blog was entitled, “The Buck Stops Here.”  I was referring to the challenge parents face when wanting to stop the flow of “bucks” to their adult children. Today I am continuing with this theme, but  in reference to an adult child living at home who fails to meet the expectations of his parents.  What do they do if they want him to leave?

For all parents in the predicament of deciding when and how to do this, a few cautionary words:  It is important to have thought through to your bottom line.  In what circumstances will you insist that your adult child leave? Then, how do you get him or her out of the house? If you have no plan that you are willing to enforce, then you are setting yourself up for more of the same pain, while simultaneously prolonging your child’s dependence.

Bottom line requirements can be created specific to a situation.

• If substance abuse keeps your child from moving on, then requiring drug tests for his living at home is appropriate.
• If your adult child is prone to violent outbursts, refraining from such behaviors can be a condition of living at home..
• If paying rent is a bottom line, then insist on his doing so on a designated day of the month.

• If turning over his pay check or stub (so you can see where his money is going) is a requirement, you can insist that he do so in order to live at home.
• Do you expect a certain number of job applications submitted per week by him?  You may insist on copies of “sent” emails  to employers as proof of his job seeking.
• Does your young man sleep all day and start looking for work at 4:00 pm? You can have him leave the house when you do in the morning, and have him hand over the house keys.  Perhaps he has to spend part of his day at the public library on their computers job-hunting.  He can come back in the house when you get home

 I have recommended all of the above to parents.

The greater challenge comes in enforcing your bottom lines.  What if he just ignores you? Have a plan already in mind for his departure. When I was a guest on a WSJ video panel last week, another panelist, financial planner Katie Coombs, said a formal rental contract is a wise idea. This is absolutely true and in some circumstances is a parent’s last resort.

Here are some other ideas in planning a departure, if needed:

• Consider another family member or family friend who might take him in.
• Hand him a Craig’s list of rooms for rent in the area.
• Give him a list of shelters that are available.
• Pack up his belongings and have them ready to go.
• Suggest that he contact friends so that he can plan a place to “flop”.

 One final thought: Sometimes parents are so worried that their child will do harm to himself or herself (e.g. via drugs) that they cannot take these final steps.  Respect your own reservations. You have to be okay enough with the plan you devise to follow through. If you are not, then it may not be the correct plan or timing. You don’t have to figure it all out yourself. Get help.

by Linda Herman, LMHC

One of the most difficult aspects of parenting adult children has to do with money. People ask how and when baby boomers should help their adult kids financially. Even more challenging and heart-wrenching, however, is answering these questions: When do you stop helping and how do you do that?

I am honored to be on a live panel for the Wall Street Journal this coming Monday, 1/13/14 with reporter Anne Tergesen addressing those very questions.  She will be interviewing me along with Katie Coombs (financial planner from Carson City, NV), Debbie McCarthy (baby boomer in Reno, NV), and David Levang (“adult child” in Kent, WA).

We are going to talk about these issues from the perspective of each of us. I have written not just in my book, Parents to the End, about money matters, but frequently in this blog. I have appeared on radio and TV shows across the country and in Canada. My conclusion: This is a topic that won’t be going away any time soon.

We love our children. We want to help them. Most of us have more resources than our own parents did when they raised us. Many of us gave our children more because we could. This sounds fairly simple. But the style of “giving” for a number of parents has had unintended consequences.

Parents come to me and to financial planners saying that the flow of money to their children is unending. Far too many young adults expect that Mom and Dad will continue to subsidize or completely carry them financially well into adulthood.  I hear complaints about entitled grown children from parents whose life savings are dwindling because they cannot (or will not) stop giving.

Parents fear that their children will be angry, will founder or fail if the money stops coming. Fortunately, there are ways to turn off the spigot, ways to actually empower adult children without enabling them. It begins with an honest conversation with yourself and your spouse/partner. Consider these questions: “Is what I am doing working for me, and is it working for my child?” If the answer is not “yes” to both questions, then it is time to consider a new approach.

I invite you to join Katie, Debbie, David, Anne and myself Monday at 12:00 pm PT, 3:00 pm ET  as we talk about approaches that do and do not work. We will be drawing upon all of our experiences and responding to live questions. Come join us at  http://www.spreecast.com/events/when-to-cut-off-your-kids-financially

If you RSVP you will get a reminder from WSJ.com. Can’t see us live? Then go to the link later and see the recorded conversation. Hope you can be there!

This is the third in my series of blog postings on forgiving.

In Part One (12/20/13), I described forgiving as an active experience in which one finds ways to let go of her pain, hurt and resentment. We explored common resistances to forgiving (e.g. thinking it means leaving oneself open to further abuse/pain) and why it is healthy to forgive in Part Two (12/27/13). I noted that we all have the right to not forgive and that forgiving is not always possible. But we can take action, even if the person is deceased, to try to make ourselves feel better.

Strategies for forgiving:

1.  Face the hurt and anger.

• Do not rush this process. Determine if you feel ready to forgive.
• Do not minimize your feelings. Express them fully to yourself and someone you trust.
• Be clear as to the situation and person toward whom you have resentment.

2.  Face the barriers to forgiving.

• Identify what keeps you from forgiving the person.
• Remember that forgiving does not mean forgetting what happened to you.

3.   Visualize an improved life.

• Imagine your life free from hurt and resentment and what that would be like.

4.    Reframe your view of the offending person.

• Ask yourself if that person is worth your time and energy. How else might you spend your time rather than thinking of him or her?
• Try viewing that person from new angles.  Perhaps seeing that person as someone who is quite flawed-not just a villain-and with problems of his own may be helpful.

5.  Write a letter (which you don’t have to send).

• The goal here is to release to paper or computer your feelings, how you were wronged and your struggle to let go. It is often not wise or possible to communicate this directly to the person who has hurt you.
• Write a letter to yourself about this process. Are your feelings changing at all? You may describe how you are reclaiming your life. If you are still struggling, write about that.

6.  Rehearse new behaviors.

• Practice living a few hours at a time as if you had let go of your resentment.
• Put your energies into activities and relationships that you find nourishing and rewarding.
• Take charge of your life. Work at becoming more assertive. This is one of the best antidotes to feeling like a victim. If you need help with this, find a good therapist, book or group.

7.   Get Philosophical.

• Recognize that no one goes through life without being hurt.
• Being a good, decent person provides no guarantee someone else will regard us that way.

You can see that this process does not happen overnight. Allow yourself as much time as you need to go through these steps.  If your situation is such that you cannot forgive a particular person, work with a therapist, pastor or rabbi to find ways to at least periodically set your feelings aside so that you can still enjoy your life.

Forgiving may be one of the most difficult tasks we may face. Yet the benefits of doing so will be felt not just by you, but by others in your life. You may have your own ideas and suggestions on forgiving. Feel free to add them to my list.

Note:  For these blog entries, I have drawn on my own work, as well as the writings of Robert Enright, Fred Luskin, and Lewis B. Smedes, as previously noted.